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One Year Ago Today!

Stand With Steve

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I was sitting in a hotel in St. Louis gearing up to meet the Queen of TV Ms. Oprah Winfrey!

Last year around this same time I was living with my daughter and had no car, no job and my Body by vi business sucked and I was making no money seemed to have no friends and the future seemed bleaked…

I ended up on Oprah’s Life Class and exposed myself on national tv and became known as Stand with Steve by Iyanla Vanzant who taught me I had a new addiction and it was to a Story of the Past or “My Story“.

I later on met Tony Robbins the life coach and attended two of his seminars, Unleash The Power Within and Date With Destiny. I worked with one of his coaches for a few months and here I am today.

One year exactly today I am renting a room from a family member in California, I have a minimum wage job “Part Time”, a car and I am no longer with Body By vi “Visalus Science”.

I am now promoting Boresha Coffee which is a great fat burning coffee and I use a  company called stiforP, for marketing.

Last year around this time I was pretty broke and today I am just as broke. I have been blogging for everyday for almost a year, I still have a lot of ups and downs and seem to still be struggling in life.

I have tried to stay positive and change my way of thinking and acting but the bottom line is I have no motivation and desires in life like I use to when I was younger. I thought about drinking yesterday simply because it seems like a way to find motivation like I use to have.

When I was younger I was gun ho and on fire, as I have grown older I am more laid back and dull. I don’t do anything or go anywhere simply because I lack income and desire.

I am sure I will get some feed back and great advice from this post and it is all appreciated but it will go on deaf ears I know. (Sorry just being honest)

I guess I am only writing this because just maybe someone else will read it and it will help them out in some kind of way who knows.

It is NOT my intention to have anyone feel sorry for me so please DON’T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am just human and this is where I am at in life and I just don’t want people to get the wrong message. I guess you can say I have been taught what to do and how to do it so that is not the problem.

I am sure some “BAD ASS” guy out there might have some profound words for me but just as they have those words they never show their face and hide behind some fake name and photo on the internet!

People say everything happens on Gods time so lets just say God has not set a time for me yet! Because shit aint happening yet!

If someone would ask me what would make me happy I would truly have to say be out of debt and be financially free and have all the bill collectors off of my ass and sending me messages on facebook about stepping up and doing the right thing.

I guess the right thing was right when they “Bankers” screwed up the economy with a pretty well laid out plan to sucker Americans into poverty!

I know everyone says be of service first and the rest will follow so I am just being of service now is all for this is how I actually feel TODAY! Yesterday was worse!

I have noticed since I have been sober I have been having these same feelings and it always occur just before my birthday and around the time my mom and brother died for they both passed away in April. One year on my 40th birthday I was in a major car accident and I figured I was going to die on that day simply because I had carried the feeling of dying in my 40’s just like all of my brothers and even my dad did.

If I live to be 50th I will have out lived them all, but I find it odd that around this same time every year I am being challenged the most. It seems the “Devil” is doing everything in it’s power to get me, but God gives me just enough hope and encouragement to get through another year.

The majority of time I feel like a YO YO with God and the Devil for each one seems to be after my soul…..

The biggest problem I have is staying focused and motivated. I have been against using any kind of medication or seeing a doctor for that matter but maybe I should. The problem is I have no insurance and can’t afford to see one. I would love to see one to get my blood work done and get an idea of exactly what is going on inside of me.

I still try to workout as much as I can but I have done a lot of hitting and missing in that area. I have not completed one goal in my life, although I have made several attempts to do so I have just never completed one successfully.

After the show I wanted to help people out and start coach others but I failed to fix my life so how can I help someone else out really, sure I have always said I can fix others but I can’t fix myself. I have a very good understanding of other people and what they go through and if they are willing to do what I suggest I can help them and I realize if I took my own advice it would work for me, the problem is I lack the motivation in life to stick with any thing long enough.

I guess you can say I see to many shiny objects and get distracted to easily. But I am sure if I say some “mantra’s” day in and day out my life would be so different right?

Maybe Praying will fix it right?

I remember when I was “TRYING” to get sober all of those years I could never do it and I had all of these same things going on within me just like today, then one day I got sick and tired and I got sober and ten years later the only thing I have done perfect is NOT DRINK! That is a Miracle in itself because trust me I would love to have a few drinks today!

But I know the routine and eventually I would be in jail or dead which at times death does not seem to be so bad after all that would put an end to all of this madness or would it?

I have no problem dying I just have a problem living! 

Everyone has all the answers to your problems in life as long as you pay them a fee and I must admit Tony Robbins has given me so much help and I wonder why I am still screwed up! I realize the bottom line is a person has to want to make a change in order for the change to take place and for some reason I have yet to get to that place in sobriety!

I am stubborn and bull headed “Aries” and I have all the answers and yet none of them have worked for me and it is not like I don’t try I just don’t get it!

For the most part I am a pretty happy person in a lot of areas of my life! I have a couple that are no longer working for me and that is why I am not as happy as I want to be. Like I said my finances suck and bill collectors are killing me!

I always get these calls on the days I am going to set out and make a change and they just rip me a new one with all of their guilt tactics and verbal abuse and now social media abuse. I would love to pay them all off but the money I make is barely enough to live on and I don’t do shit! Sometimes I have to borrow money to get gas to go to this o called job I am grateful for, even though my fellow employees and myself wonder why they pay me to be there.

I really don’t do shit and I feel like a fraud there. At least when I worked construction I felt like a real man doing real work! “MACHO” I guess huh? (LOL)

But it is true…..

The work I do today is not fulfilling at all but I have my good days and they are usually when I am talking to someone with a problem. I love to help fix people and their problems now that is so rewarding and so much fun. the problem is no one seems to want to pay for it and I can’t do it all the time for free because when I do I go hungry as well as my kids!

Speaking of kids I have not seen them since Thanksgiving. So I missed spending Christmas and their birthdays with them. This is the first time in their lives I have done that and not be under the influence or that one time I was in jail on Christmas.

I have not seen them because I can’t afford the gas to go visit them. My motivation for all things in life is very low today!

– I have paused at this point to reflect on if I should release this post or not –

You see if I release it then you would know what I am thinking and feeling right now and God forbid that right?

If I keep it too myself I can paint this pretty picture and tell everyone how great life is and sell them on how great my life is and I can help make theirs great too and pretty much increase my income over night! The problem is I can’t lie and I hate freaking liars!

But the rest of the world seems to be ok with it so why not I? 

I just read this over and I see the mistakes in it and I pretty much don’t care about making it perfect so if you have a problem with the way I write then that will be your problem not mine for today I am not here to be perfect for you or anyone else.

I like to keep stuff as real as possible and not sugar coat anything for that solves nothing. After reading this I know what I have to do and so I will just do it. I guess you can say I am “SICK AND TIRED” again and it is time for a change once in for all!

God speaks to us when we are ready to hear and he just spoke very loudly to me and I heard him that is for sure!

As I pause here I am actually praying for his words and guidance from here on out. I have been to weak and too kind and need to step up into my man hood once in for all. My family members who are deceased are never forgotten just missed.

My kids who are with me need me and I need them more!

I shall not let anything get in the way of me and what I want in life and I shall not worry for God will do all the worrying for me!

I shall love and respect others even if they don’t love and respect me for all I can do is my part.

I will continue to Pray and Mediate for that is how I got sober years ago…

Not everything comes easy to everyone but they eventually come to those who are patient and have persistence and trust me I am very much both!

I am not scared to show my weakness for I realize it is my strength! I usually say what others are scared to say!

I am not rich and I struggle today but that does not mean tomorrow will be the same.

I have never heard of one person who did not struggle in the beginning and you only heard of their struggles after they went through them or did they even go through them at all, is what I sometimes wonder…….

O well whatever the case maybe I will do what I have to do for it is what I have to do. I have family to take care of and need me still and so I must do what I must do…..

Shame and guilt has only lead me into poverty and confidence and perseverance will lead me out of it!

You can’t have what you don’t ask for Matthew 7-7 ask and you shall receive!

If you are struggling with life struggle no more get up and kick the dust off of your feet and get to stepping and don’t worry so much about stepping on some toes for they won’t even notice, simply because they will be doing the same thing.

If you need a job go to where they are hiring at and ask for work.

If you need help ask for help.

If you are lonely get up and go out side for there is a world of bullshit you have yet to experience….

Take each do and do what you please, no one can tell you what to do and what not to do, if it is working for you keep doing it.

Seek real and authentic people to hang out with for the truth hurts but it will always set you free….

A coward dies a thousand deaths where as a hero only dies once!

A man of his word is how it use to be but today a mans word ain’t worth a shit so be very careful…..

To all Bill collectors you will get you money but mean time KISS MY ASS!……

You cause this crap so deal with it……

Some people think I am crazy and judge me for what I say and do and I do the same to them simply because I am real as it gets and the bullshit is usually just that bullshit!

Today I don’t aim to be liked I just aim to tell it like it is simply because I know one day I will be telling it like it was!

Until next year!

See you when I see you!

Steve Dorsey

P.S. if you want to receive a copy of my first ebook simply click on this link !


9 Comments

  1. raedeke says:

    OK- first of all- be PROUD that you wrote all of this today, that you got this out of your head and laid it out. Be PROUD that you released it just the way it is, and didn’t sugar coat it. You are on a good path, but my distant observation is that you are doing something we all do, and I have to tell my self ALL THE TIME not to do- don’t chase your provision (TD JAKES)- let your provision chase YOU! SO- I work every day to dig deep and figure out what my true purpose is, what fills my soul, and what I would willingly do without pay and that is probably the direction to go in. You like to coach and help others- you have been there, so you know their story in a way- look at that path. If you can find ways to follow that and believe that you have something worth listening to (because YES, you do), then that is highly likely a good path for you. I hear you still being a bit stuck in your story of struggle like you are deserving of struggle, and you need to cut that out!! I’m probably speaking out of line here- but this is what I’ve noticed from a distance. You have been blessed with some really amazing coaches, so they have given you some tools I can only dream of having- get that tool box back out, find ONE THING today that would be FUN to do for yourself- and go do it. You need fun, I can hear it. Maybe it’s just standing in the warm breeze for 5 minutes (we have 10″ of snow here- I would LOVE a warm breeze). My birthday was the first day of spring- so I got snow instead- how about that for NOT getting what you want!!! Much love to you- been watching you from St. Louis and I’m humbled by your truth. One year from now will be better from today if you want it to be- and I know you really do. Now go find a breeze for me! 🙂

    • Thanks!
      Ok so I have had some really great coaching like you said and yet I continue to stay stuck in my story. Interesting huh?

      So why does a person like myself do what he does? You would think that after everyone has helped me out and I have listen to tapes day and and day out I am still stuck in my own story. It serves me no purpose and I try to write about positive stuff all the time. I have my ups and downs like everyone else so I get that. People tell me these same things all the time and it is like I love doing what I am doing and I do it on purpose!
      My head has 10,000 thoughts per second and they all drive me crazy at times. I have the attention span of a nat, and I can’t focus long enough to do a damn thing today so why is that?
      The tools I have been given didn’t make since then and they don’t make since now!
      Before my drinking became a real problem my life was pretty good. I functioned pretty good and I took care of myself and my finances. I never worried about getting a job and I knew how to get one and always got one that paid well and I busted my ass and felt good doing it!
      So today I have all of these struggles I never had before and all of these people telling me about tools and God. Back in the day the only tools I had were God given and I never read a book, today it seems I have read a ton of books and have had people coach me into a state of confusion!

      I really appreciate all the feed back but I get the feeling people think this will go away like you turn a light on and off!
      If that was the case it would have been gone a long time ago!

      I sat in AA meetings for a long time and certain little things started making since to me but it took some time! Other people got it right away and for me it took some time. So I wonder if this may be the case as well!

      What do you think?

      • raedeke says:

        OK- here’s my story….I have BAD add- spinning thoughts, very difficult to focus, and great intentions for each day that often just sit and stare at the wall- I use a ADD patch for this (Daytrana) and it really helps me- I can tell the days that I don’t use it because I get nothing done- and the days I do- I forget i have it on and then suddenly realize I’ve been productive and ‘oh yeah’ I have my patch on. It’s the only ‘medication’ I take and I’m grateful for it- not that it’s for you, but something to maybe look into.
        ALSO- I have realized that I get really stuck in my stories when I sit at home and don’t get out of the house- almost like I get WAYYYY stuck in my head, so it gets pretty easy to just stay in my head and THINK some more! Have you noticed that you feel any better on the days you go to the gym? Winter is hard for me here in the midwest- so I find myself waiting for Spring to get out of the house and out of my head- wrong approach- as I need to find ways ALL YEAR LONG to do this, but this is just my truth- not a false version of it. So you can see now why 12″ of snow the day after my birthday wasn’t so welcome!!! I went to some ACOA meetings (where I’m ‘supposed’ to go) and I found myself bored out of my mind- not because I didn’t hear what people were saying, but I have a hard time sitting and JUST listening- I want dialogue, conversation, Q&A- not just sitting and listening and then leaving.

        Have you heard of this guy- I thought of you, and since you’re in CA you might look into him: Tommy Rosen- a yoga & addiction guy. ALSO- this guy: Noah Levins (Dharma Punx)- a buddhist approach to addiction stuff- non AA. Interesting dude. Look them up- they are both out west. Tommy Rosen just did a cool online thing that was REALLY good- here is the link (I don’t know these guys, so this is purely my own recommendation- not a plug for them): http://www.tommyrosen.com/yoga/

        One thing I’m kind of picking up on that maybe alcohol helped you with is anxiety and worrying about other people judging you- which was maybe why you feel like you functioned better then, and now you feel raw and exposed and it’s more difficult- so forget for a moment that you’ve been on TV- and just write a note on a small piece of paper that says ‘F__K it!” and put it in your pocket- and face each day with the approach that it doesn’t matter what ANYONE thinks, your happiness and fulfillment are priority. It doesn’t matter what I think- what I’m writing here- if you disagree and know none of this is for you, then that is YOUR truth and as a person who cares about people, I have to respect that and not judge you for what you need in your life. My only goal here is to support you and let you know you’re not alone in this fast moving, mind spinning world- but it doesn’t have to be that way- so I find myself removing lots of extraneous ‘noise’ each day, and it helps- little by little. And so does my Daytrana- but that’s just me.

      • Cool Thanks about the patch info. I will check into it and see if I need a doctor to get it if so then I will see what I can do to get a doctor.
        Your right about sitting at home (Internet/isolation) not good I know.
        I am so so on the gym meaning good days and bad days. The one I like to go to I have a hard time getting there due to gas.
        As far as winter goes I am so glad it is spring as well I hate winters!
        Alcohol was a great tool for just being me and not worrying about what others thought for sure. As well when I was younger I didn’t need alcohol to work and bust my butt on a daily basis. I lack taking pride in what I do today simply because I don’t see it as work. Back in my day you can tell a hard working man by his hands and today mine are pretty soft! (LOL)
        Your feedback is good and appreciated Thanks!
        I was just thinking about deleting everything I do on line and go back to doing what I use to do and that is “Play outside” again. I have learned all I can about computers and the technology era and to tell you the truth it seems to be the death of me.

        Thanks!
        Steve

      • raedeke says:

        Daytrana is definitely a prescription- just FYI- but it can’t hurt to look into some kind of ADD solutions. I even had this muscle tested by my chiropractor/healer- and she gave me the thumbs up- which surprised me.

        Set aside the story that work has to equal ‘hard labor’ because that’s BS. In fact- set aside the word ‘work’ and just try to find a passion or service so it never feels like work (yep, we’ve all heard this so there must be truth to it!). For instance, I’ve put in time, thoughts, energy into these messages to you today because I love doing it, it doesn’t feel like work- but people get paid for this stuff- so it can’t be dismissed. Not sure if it’s helped you at all- I think it has maybe a little- it’s helped me- it’s made me feel like I did something today- I put something positive out into the universe- and that makes me happy. I also TYPED a lot- which just flowed right out of my hands- which never happens if I am not passionate about it.
        And lastly- the computer- yes, taper it- don’t let it steal too much of your time and energy-it can be a total energy suck- the same with books- good to have at your fingertips when you want them- but can also lead to lots of confusion and time spent. Take some quiet time for you. I’m going to do the same today- no more computer for awhile.
        Thanks, Steve~~~

  2. raedeke says:

    I just found a typo- it’s Noah Levine. 🙂

  3. Ebonie says:

    I am so proud of you. I totally understand what you mean. The good news is that you are better than you were a year ago.!

  4. sal says:

    Steve,
    Sending you some positive energy your way. It takes a lot of courage to express yourself the way you did . I am glad you got that out of your system. Being positive is wonderful and there is nothing wrong with feeling down. You are a human being and we all go through these emotions. I am not going to lecture you here but I have couple of suggestions for you and it has something to do it what you said about harassment at Facebook but I don’t want to post them here and you will know why when I email you. Please email me and I will respond. You take care.

    Sal

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