Last year around this same time I was living with my daughter and had no car, no job and my Body by vi business sucked and I was making no money seemed to have no friends and the future seemed bleaked…
I ended up on Oprah’s Life Class and exposed myself on national tv and became known as Stand with Steve by Iyanla Vanzant who taught me I had a new addiction and it was to a Story of the Past or “My Story“.
One year exactly today I am renting a room from a family member in California, I have a minimum wage job “Part Time”, a car and I am no longer with Body By vi “Visalus Science”.
Last year around this time I was pretty broke and today I am just as broke. I have been blogging for everyday for almost a year, I still have a lot of ups and downs and seem to still be struggling in life.
I have tried to stay positive and change my way of thinking and acting but the bottom line is I have no motivation and desires in life like I use to when I was younger. I thought about drinking yesterday simply because it seems like a way to find motivation like I use to have.
When I was younger I was gun ho and on fire, as I have grown older I am more laid back and dull. I don’t do anything or go anywhere simply because I lack income and desire.
I am sure I will get some feed back and great advice from this post and it is all appreciated but it will go on deaf ears I know. (Sorry just being honest)
I guess I am only writing this because just maybe someone else will read it and it will help them out in some kind of way who knows.
It is NOT my intention to have anyone feel sorry for me so please DON’T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am just human and this is where I am at in life and I just don’t want people to get the wrong message. I guess you can say I have been taught what to do and how to do it so that is not the problem.
I am sure some “BAD ASS” guy out there might have some profound words for me but just as they have those words they never show their face and hide behind some fake name and photo on the internet!
People say everything happens on Gods time so lets just say God has not set a time for me yet! Because shit aint happening yet!
If someone would ask me what would make me happy I would truly have to say be out of debt and be financially free and have all the bill collectors off of my ass and sending me messages on facebook about stepping up and doing the right thing.
I guess the right thing was right when they “Bankers” screwed up the economy with a pretty well laid out plan to sucker Americans into poverty!
I know everyone says be of service first and the rest will follow so I am just being of service now is all for this is how I actually feel TODAY! Yesterday was worse!
I have noticed since I have been sober I have been having these same feelings and it always occur just before my birthday and around the time my mom and brother died for they both passed away in April. One year on my 40th birthday I was in a major car accident and I figured I was going to die on that day simply because I had carried the feeling of dying in my 40’s just like all of my brothers and even my dad did.
If I live to be 50th I will have out lived them all, but I find it odd that around this same time every year I am being challenged the most. It seems the “Devil” is doing everything in it’s power to get me, but God gives me just enough hope and encouragement to get through another year.
The majority of time I feel like a YO YO with God and the Devil for each one seems to be after my soul…..
The biggest problem I have is staying focused and motivated. I have been against using any kind of medication or seeing a doctor for that matter but maybe I should. The problem is I have no insurance and can’t afford to see one. I would love to see one to get my blood work done and get an idea of exactly what is going on inside of me.
I still try to workout as much as I can but I have done a lot of hitting and missing in that area. I have not completed one goal in my life, although I have made several attempts to do so I have just never completed one successfully.
After the show I wanted to help people out and start coach others but I failed to fix my life so how can I help someone else out really, sure I have always said I can fix others but I can’t fix myself. I have a very good understanding of other people and what they go through and if they are willing to do what I suggest I can help them and I realize if I took my own advice it would work for me, the problem is I lack the motivation in life to stick with any thing long enough.
I guess you can say I see to many shiny objects and get distracted to easily. But I am sure if I say some “mantra’s” day in and day out my life would be so different right?
Maybe Praying will fix it right?
I remember when I was “TRYING” to get sober all of those years I could never do it and I had all of these same things going on within me just like today, then one day I got sick and tired and I got sober and ten years later the only thing I have done perfect is NOT DRINK! That is a Miracle in itself because trust me I would love to have a few drinks today!
But I know the routine and eventually I would be in jail or dead which at times death does not seem to be so bad after all that would put an end to all of this madness or would it?
I have no problem dying I just have a problem living!
Everyone has all the answers to your problems in life as long as you pay them a fee and I must admit Tony Robbins has given me so much help and I wonder why I am still screwed up! I realize the bottom line is a person has to want to make a change in order for the change to take place and for some reason I have yet to get to that place in sobriety!
I am stubborn and bull headed “Aries” and I have all the answers and yet none of them have worked for me and it is not like I don’t try I just don’t get it!
For the most part I am a pretty happy person in a lot of areas of my life! I have a couple that are no longer working for me and that is why I am not as happy as I want to be. Like I said my finances suck and bill collectors are killing me!
I always get these calls on the days I am going to set out and make a change and they just rip me a new one with all of their guilt tactics and verbal abuse and now social media abuse. I would love to pay them all off but the money I make is barely enough to live on and I don’t do shit! Sometimes I have to borrow money to get gas to go to this o called job I am grateful for, even though my fellow employees and myself wonder why they pay me to be there.
I really don’t do shit and I feel like a fraud there. At least when I worked construction I felt like a real man doing real work! “MACHO” I guess huh? (LOL)
But it is true…..
The work I do today is not fulfilling at all but I have my good days and they are usually when I am talking to someone with a problem. I love to help fix people and their problems now that is so rewarding and so much fun. the problem is no one seems to want to pay for it and I can’t do it all the time for free because when I do I go hungry as well as my kids!
Speaking of kids I have not seen them since Thanksgiving. So I missed spending Christmas and their birthdays with them. This is the first time in their lives I have done that and not be under the influence or that one time I was in jail on Christmas.
I have not seen them because I can’t afford the gas to go visit them. My motivation for all things in life is very low today!
– I have paused at this point to reflect on if I should release this post or not –
You see if I release it then you would know what I am thinking and feeling right now and God forbid that right?
If I keep it too myself I can paint this pretty picture and tell everyone how great life is and sell them on how great my life is and I can help make theirs great too and pretty much increase my income over night! The problem is I can’t lie and I hate freaking liars!
But the rest of the world seems to be ok with it so why not I?
I just read this over and I see the mistakes in it and I pretty much don’t care about making it perfect so if you have a problem with the way I write then that will be your problem not mine for today I am not here to be perfect for you or anyone else.
I like to keep stuff as real as possible and not sugar coat anything for that solves nothing. After reading this I know what I have to do and so I will just do it. I guess you can say I am “SICK AND TIRED” again and it is time for a change once in for all!
God speaks to us when we are ready to hear and he just spoke very loudly to me and I heard him that is for sure!
As I pause here I am actually praying for his words and guidance from here on out. I have been to weak and too kind and need to step up into my man hood once in for all. My family members who are deceased are never forgotten just missed.
My kids who are with me need me and I need them more!
I shall not let anything get in the way of me and what I want in life and I shall not worry for God will do all the worrying for me!
I shall love and respect others even if they don’t love and respect me for all I can do is my part.
I will continue to Pray and Mediate for that is how I got sober years ago…
Not everything comes easy to everyone but they eventually come to those who are patient and have persistence and trust me I am very much both!
I am not scared to show my weakness for I realize it is my strength! I usually say what others are scared to say!
I am not rich and I struggle today but that does not mean tomorrow will be the same.
I have never heard of one person who did not struggle in the beginning and you only heard of their struggles after they went through them or did they even go through them at all, is what I sometimes wonder…….
O well whatever the case maybe I will do what I have to do for it is what I have to do. I have family to take care of and need me still and so I must do what I must do…..
Shame and guilt has only lead me into poverty and confidence and perseverance will lead me out of it!
You can’t have what you don’t ask for Matthew 7-7 ask and you shall receive!
If you are struggling with life struggle no more get up and kick the dust off of your feet and get to stepping and don’t worry so much about stepping on some toes for they won’t even notice, simply because they will be doing the same thing.
If you need a job go to where they are hiring at and ask for work.
If you need help ask for help.
If you are lonely get up and go out side for there is a world of bullshit you have yet to experience….
Take each do and do what you please, no one can tell you what to do and what not to do, if it is working for you keep doing it.
Seek real and authentic people to hang out with for the truth hurts but it will always set you free….
A coward dies a thousand deaths where as a hero only dies once!
A man of his word is how it use to be but today a mans word ain’t worth a shit so be very careful…..
To all Bill collectors you will get you money but mean time KISS MY ASS!……
You cause this crap so deal with it……
Some people think I am crazy and judge me for what I say and do and I do the same to them simply because I am real as it gets and the bullshit is usually just that bullshit!
Today I don’t aim to be liked I just aim to tell it like it is simply because I know one day I will be telling it like it was!
Until next year!
See you when I see you!